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Developing your child's self-esteem

Developing your child's self-esteem

It is said that the most important contribution that a parent can make to a child's life is helping him build a strong and positive self-esteem. Even at an early age, as early as birth, infants can sense how they are perceived from the way they are being treated, from the verbal and non-verbal messages they get from adults around him. Whether the child is lifted gently or jerked like a sack of potatoes, or whether the arms around him are warmly close or give only an indifferent support, all send a stream of messages to the child on whether he is loved or rejected.
A well-known family therapist, Virginia Satir described children as 'seedlings' that 'grow best when they are in a nurturing environment'. Parents and significant others like teachers and siblings, are psychological mirrors that a child uses to build his identity. His self-perception or image of self is shaped by the conclusion he draws from the messages he receives from his parents and significant others. Children value themselves to the degree that they have been valued.
Often our parental mirrors need cleaning and polishing. We can do so by checking and reflecting on our expectations. What expectations do we have of our children and why? Are our expectations realistic and age-appropriate? Do we label our children 'slow' and 'tardy' when they are unable to read and spell at age four? Often many parents encounter the first child syndrome where they set high expectations for their firstborn in terms of academic performance in school.
Where do our expectations come from? It is not unusual that we apply 'borrowed standards' from our own parents and grandparents and impose these on our own children, e.g. children should be quiet and passive and girls, but not boys, should play with dolls. Are my expectations based on my needs or my child's? What's in it for me? If we, as parents, have a constant need for approval or status, we may unconsciously push our child to fill the gap. We may want him to score 'As', be the top student and get elected as school head prefect to meet our needs. When we do this, we see our children as an extension of ourselves rather than as separate individuals, and we may feel that our child is lack-lustre if he is less than outstanding. A teenager felt that her parents were trying to fulfill their own dreams in her life by wanting her to be a doctor or lawyer because they had missed the opportunity to become one themselves.

Check each expectation for age-appropriateness and fairness. To help children grow strong, we must let go of images that do not fit the uniqueness of the child. Can you drop your dream of an engineer for your animal-loving son? Understanding and knowing what children are like during the different stages of growth and development helps us set realistic expectations. Also, taking the child's point of view helps you make allowances in what to expect. Being a working mother does not make the responsibility of parenting any easier. With multiple roles and tasks to balance, like project deadlines, supervising school homework and the many other household chores to take care of, it often leaves very little time and energy to think of the little acts of love and affection. It is undeniable that a child with a positive self-esteem has it made for life.
Diane Loomans' Full esteem ahead: 100 ways to build self-esteem in children and adults, provide a few fresh ideas on how parents can build their child's self-esteem on a day-to-day basis.
One-minute love connections - offering reassurance to your child to help build self-esteem need only take a minute, like giving your child a big, long hug to give your child the kinesthetic reassurance that he is lovable.

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